And so it begins...

Heh, a lame title, but what is it really? Well, frankly, I lost sight of me. I spent many years heavily medicated for a condition that I'm not entirely convinced I actually had. For roughly 7 years I lived in a virtual fog. This pill made me zone. That pill made me complacent. Yet another pill made my hair fall out. I thought I was helping myself, becoming a more successful member of society--bettering myself for my family. I lost my desire to believe in something--anything. I lost my memory and memories. I lost my willingness to explore and discover new things. I lost my ability to enjoy.

I came to this realization by accident. I ran out of meds, the agency that was seeing me ended our relationship due to my failure to schedule an appointment (complete bs, I was seen 2 weeks earlier for state aid paperwork and had an appointment scheduled), I couldn't afford the prescriptions on my own and I was forced to start withdrawal. I was terrified. Would I sleep? Would I become too depressed to function? Would I be too moody to be around the living? There was no choice but to find out.

After a week or two, things started changing. I had energy. I had a want to do things. I started laughing more. I started remembering things. I became more outspoken about what I wanted--how had I kept my mouth shut?? I had always been mouthy!! I had nearly gotten beaten up by some redneck at Wendy's once because I went off on him for nearly running me over. How did all this go away?? Where did my desire to learn and seek knowledge go? Where did my beliefs and spiritual/religious leanings go? WHY WERE MY ALTAR THINGS PACKED IN A FUCKING BOX????

So here I am, starting over of sorts. I'm active. I do things. I do things I enjoy. I love my job and I'm damn good at it. I'm finding books to read. I'm blogging. I'm slowly incorporating my beliefs into my daily life. I'm buying pagan themed/altar decorations. I'm burning my candle to honor the hearth and home deities I respect. I'm using music as my therapist and motivator. I'm laughing with my family. I'm finding the good. I'm mouthy and opinionated. I love life. I am happy.

I'm leaving my old posts here, in archives, to remember what I used to enjoy. My blog and focus has taken another direction, but those memories are preserved. And I finally remember.